Getting older is hilarious.
Seriously. I’m now 36 and things are not quite what they were billed as before I had kids. I have laments.
But right now I am focusing on facial/head hair as I age. The truth is, when I was younger I could give a dead rat’s ass about creams and wrinkle preventers. I didn’t understand why my mother took so long putting on her make-up or why her mirror was mounted in a magnifying glass.
I get it now. Dear Heavens. What I want to know is how women morphing into Abe Lincoln is considered a win in the evolution process.
We got rid of the gills and the webbed feet, awesome. We stood up straight, fine. We created fire. Great.
Why do we need long chin hairs? I’m assuming that these hairs had some sort of beneficial use because…survival of the fittest and all that.
But don’t ask me what function they performed for our middle aged ancestors.
Okay, fine. Now that I’m thinking about it, what could chin hairs do for us to enhance our primitive existence?
Scare attackers into thinking we were our bigger, burlier, male counterparts?
Assuming food was scarce, maybe our goatee would catch any morsels that fell out of our mouths so we didn’t miss a drop?
Weird, but possible.
Maybe they were handholds for our children so they didn’t get lost in the dark before flashlights existed? (I’m picturing those long ropes schools in the city sometimes use to keep track of kids when the class has a walking field trip.)
I actually like that idea.
But I think the only possible, solid reason our cave sisters would have had long, beard-like chin hairs was to be used as a holster.
Wait, follow me for a second.
The hair on my head is getting thinner and wimpier with every year that passes. So if I had one perfect stone sharpened into a blade, I would need to carry it. My beard could be braided and the stone would be safe.
There’s one flaw with that hypothesis. Or at least one constant that I’m assuming--that my foremothers were not wearing clothes because otherwise the beard holster would be insane. A lady would just tuck the knife into her pants or shirt or cavewoman bra.
So maybe the strongest, fiercest ladies ran around naked thus necessitating the beard.
I could totally get behind the idea that my ancestors were rampant, unapologetic nudists with chin beards that held their knives and children.
Not too close behind though, because they were naked and that gets creepy.
I’m still going to be plucking my chin hairs but maybe I will be less angry with them if they have this, made-up, majestic, kick-ass heritage.