So apparently I am having spider flavored posts lately, which sucks for me. My bathroom has a tiny little portal to Spider Wonderland. I'm way too clueless to check the shower before jumping in and committing to the nudity and wetness required there. So tonight I hop in and start my cleansing, shaving the bits, etc. I look above my head all happy and spot a fucking daddy long legs on the ceiling.
So I say, "Fine spider, I hate you. I'll be in this shower for two minutes total. If you don't move, we'll both live through this."
As much as I hate looking at its spindly body, I know I have to keep him in my sights the whole damn time. So I do. I don't trust him and my instincts are right. He starts crawling slowly towards me in the heavy, hot steam.
I tell him, "You are making shitty choices spider." Soon he'll be over my head head and I hate that. So I decide to put my conditioner on, then step out and call the hubby in to get the spider. Decision made, I turn, grab the bottle, and put my beady eyes on the ceiling.
And he's FUCKING GONE!
Gone, gone, gone. Aggghhhhh.
Where is he? He's supposed to stay put, yet he was moving, then he was at least supposed to stay sticky like all god damn spiders, but he's an underachiever or a super ninja attack spider.
Is he in my slippery hair? Is he in the CRACK of my ass? Where the hell did he go?
Hop out. Get full body eebbjeebes. Freak out. Grab towel and spot the bastard. He's slogging his way through the downpour in the tub.
Back against wall and wait to be saved.
The air conditioning vent is level with my butt. If I fart it'll turn into an icicle. The hubby scoops up the spider with a wet piece of toilet paper and I can see the WAVING LEGS.
Then I go back to my shower. Right now, I only have one arm pit shaved and that shower was awful. The best is that these spiders all wait by the portal to their Wonderland and when they see my dumb face bopping into the bathroom, they send one of their team out to torture me.