Disney Trip Report (flashback)

My kids are older now, but I wanted to have this up where I wasn't banned. (Shh, tits a long story)




The cast of characters: Mr. Anastasia, My husband of 13 years. He gets along with everyone, is very quick witted and thank God, dumb enough to marry me.


Me, Debra Anastasia. I am a Stay at home Mom. It is the best job I have ever suckered anyone into giving me. I do not feel like I have done anything spectacular enough to deserve my amazing, endlessly beautiful kids.


Boychild (BC)...11 ahhh, how do you describe this one? My son is the kindest boy on the planet. The beauty of his soul is achingly apparent in his sweet eyes. He loves cars, laughing and swimming.


Girlchild (GC)...8  A ball of energy with a quiet side that speaks to animals. She has intuition that is flawless. She will tell you when you are sad and hug you into a smile. On this visit she curled up in my 88 year old grandfather’s lap and sang to him for what seemed like sweet hours.


Our set up is fantastic. My parents have worked for Disney for 7 years. We have a meager salary but we can roll like Kings in Disney due to all the freeness and discountness we tend to encounter. So we fit in with your coupon clippers and the Ritchie Richersons that have a 40 day visits in the Wilderness Lodge. You can all read this report.


So a little pre trip…


This trip to Disney is fitted in between a visit to my Grandfather and parents. We travel about 16 hours to get to Florida. This is a sneaky peaky visit. Snuck in there. No big planning. No succumbing to the craziness. No pupils turned into hidden Mickies. No prepping the kids for months before hand by coloring Disney pictures, playing the Disney Radio station, making the Disney paper chain and singing the “Oh Disney World song” (to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”) every time we take off a link. I am scaring myself here. Has it gotten this bad? Oh yes, it has.


So back to leaving... Mr. A is working, putting our departure time at around 3:00pm. I have picked up BC early from school and prepped the house for the dog sitter. The dogs looked worried. My very smart dog, Snowy is trying to stuff herself in the very clean van. Did I tell you my clean van story yet? Let me throw that in here…it is a fun one…


 Debra Anastasia goes to the car wash


like the blonde that she is. Due to the layout I had a nice big audience of gentlemen that work in the professional car wash. Lucky me. I pull up and pay, and then I remembered to pull off my antenna Mickey ears and Walt Disney World magnet, so I jump out while the machine is screaming "Pull up to the car wash" over and over. I run back around the van and hop in, pull in and Yup, you guessed it forgot to put my window up from paying. The super powerful faceful of water reminded me to press the up button for the window. Power windows are realllllly slow. My audience of men were Whatever, I got my money, plugged the quarters into the vacuum and get started vacuuming 6 weeks of crap and crumbs out of my giant van. I am very competitive. I want to win. I want to beat the vacuum at it's own game. I will make every spidery quarter worth it. So I am running around inside the van, vacuuming my butt off. Just at the very end, I jump out to do the mats and in my frenzy, and an ill chosen low cut t-shirt, my boob pops out. To all the boys working in the car wash, you are welcome when they saw how wet I was. But water and humiliation can't keep me down, so I drive over to the vacuum. I get out, shake off, pull out the mats, wave to my fans, and take my only cash, one dollar, over to the change maker. Four quarters and a big hairy spider plop out. So now I have to get the quarters away from the spider, who would like to keep them for himself. I hate spiders. I hate greedy spiders even more. So I am screaming, jumping and getting my freaking quarters. Now the boys are just watching the show






So my van is clean and Mr. A has repacked the van to his liking and we are off… Any of you that have been to Disney in the spring might predict what happened next to the ill-planned Anastasias ...It involves punching, flicking and a Dunkin Donuts that was obviously hosting a casting call for a Quentin Tarantino movie…




So my van is clean and Mr. A has repacked it to his liking and we are off. Any of you that have been to Disney in the spring might see what happened next to the ill planned Anastasia. It involves punching, flicking and a Dunkin' Donuts that was obviously hosting a casting call for a scary movie....


We leave our happy house. This time there were no lists, no carefully packed hand-painted outfits for the kids, no Tinkerbell gifts hidden in the Stow n’ Go compartments. But we are not sad, this is a cheat visit. We have it in perspective. WE ARE FINE!!! I am pretty sure we will be able to control the tremors when we start to see Disney signs on the way to my Grandfather’s house . In case we start experiencing withdrawal symptoms, I have wisely packed Slim Jims, sunflower seeds, and chocolate . When used together these foods can ease the effect of the Disney signs on your psyche. Of course your punishment for the cure is the gas you pass that smells like burning bologna and cigars . You have to take the good with the bad in life.


Where was I?


Oh right, we are “on the road” Mr. A and I disagree as to when “on the road” starts. I think it starts when you close the door to your van. He feels you must be at least 60 miles onto a main road that is heading in the direction of Florida . If there is a bathroom break, a quick stop in Wal-mart for zip lock bags etc, we become “off the road” and must start over again to try and be “on the road."


Anyhooo, We are planning to put about 6 hours in “on the road” before settling into a comfy hotel with our green or red book coupon. Like always. When we go in August. April is not August. The Anastasias are about to learn the difference.


We go our allotted amount and pull off the road in North Carolina. The clueless Anastasias stare wide eyed at the very full parking lots in the Hotels. “Hmm, busy tonight” I say with a smile. Mr. A knows our fate before I do. In our 9 ½ years of marriage he has learned to try to stay optimistic. Sometimes his wife can move mountains. He's a lucky man. I do the John Wayne walk of cramped legs up to the Country Inn and Suites.


 The Anastasias think they would love it here. I walk up to the receptionist.


“Do you have any vacancies?”


The sleepy not-so-friendly lady says, “All we have is a Smoking handicapped room with one king bed left.”


 Well Mrs. Anastasia up her nose and thinks, My children won’t sleep in a smoking room.


“ No, thank you.” And off I go.


Had I only known.


The receptionist should have lunged over her desk and grabbed me by the shirt screaming, “YOU FOOL!! There will be no rooms anywhere on I-95!!! ALL THE WAY TO YOUR GRANDPA’S!! By the time you and that poor man that married you get done driving tomorrow you'll wish not only that you took the room, you clean air snob, but you will have gratefully taken the room even if it had an actual handicapped man in the king bed with you smoking cigarettes with every hole in his body and a couple of your own holes too .”


But she was quiet. And I was righteous and unknowing. So it starts…The ride that never ends.


Mr. A and I have been awake and working our butts off all day Friday.


It is now 10:00pm. We will be “on the road” (either version) until 8:00am the following day. Our beautiful kids have become cranky and sleepy. They begin their fitful descent into dream world. Mr. A and I begin our dance of delusion. We will stop every once in a while to get the coupon books for the state we are in. I call hotels and be told “no vacancy” over and over.


But we hang onto the hope until the end. We’re hopers . During the trip we dip into “The Cure”.


We know we will be punished, but we snap into a Slim Jim. When it's time for another dose of “The Cure," I have to crawl to the back of our van for the supplies. This sounds easy, and even looks like it might be easy. Then you get up and walk Alice in Wonderland style all crunched up . Mr. A will then speed up, change lanes, and break quickly. I think he does this to amuse himself. Nothing funnier then throwing the wife around inside the van. Passive aggressive is what I call it.


During this trip report there will be Flashbacks to The Anastasia in prior years…To keep it from getting confusing they will start like so…


****Flashback*****


Not having a flash now, just setting it up for later.


There are two things I do not like on the way down I-95 (if you don’t count the tailgating crazies jumping from lane to lane ~ though maybe the wife is going for supplies )


The first is the “Adult signs” in Georgia.
Really Georgia, lets clean up our act a little . You do know that this is the road we all use to get to Disney. Maybe you could advertise peaches or something else a little less perplexing to kids. What should I say to my kids when we pass those? So far, when they asked about it on the way up I explained that the “WE BARE ALL” sign really said “Webareall” which is much like a weeble.


The second is “South of the Border”. Well, I have a love / hate relationship with Pedro. He is really all talk. I do like to watch the signs go by. On the way down to Florida, passing South of the Border feels great! Look at that horrible excuse of a theme park! On the way back you almost want to stop, see if you can suck any fun out of the measly place. And I have never seen that roller coaster moving. Ever.


Of course this visit, we pass it all in the dark. We plod through North Carolina, South Carolina (thanks for dividing those Carolinas up) Georgia and as the sun is coming up, Florida. About an hour before sunrise, Mr. A is looking droopy. Real droopy . Mrs. A has stopped being entertaining about an hour ago. The best thing I can think of to keep him awake is punching him and flicking the back of his neck. He takes the pain because he knows he must stay awake to drive. We did quote the vacation movie a few times, “Turn off the T.V. Clark and come to bed"


Finally, we arrive. A whole day early.


What to do? I, of course, make a reservation in a hotel in my Grandpa’s town. I make reservations all the time now. Even if we are not traveling, just to be sure. We arrive at 8:00am. I beg for an early check-in. They can give us a room at 10:00am. We have two hours to kill. We are numb, the kids are disorientated. So we head to the Dunkin' Donuts. Just what “The Cure” needs. Donuts. We stagger into the craziest Dunkin Donuts I have ever seen. It is smashed inside a gas station and a gift shop that carries alligator heads and glass figurines. The line for the Donuts is almost out the door. Everyone is staring at us, not sure why.


Maybe it's the scary red eyes, maybe because I ripped my uncomfortable bra off in South Carolina (Easier to get “the Cure” down if you don’t wear a bra.) The stains on my clothes, or maybe the fact that Quentin had not invited us to this casting call.


You have got the Mom beating her kid in the corner, the leathery-tan Floridian construction worker taking up the biggest table all by himself sneering at everyone, the six couples of old people getting there morning Donut on. The employees are fantastic at looking busy and doing nothing. The donuts get stacked, icing on icing and dropped into a bag. All breads are burned black. We eat our breakfast in the surreal setting. Then drive over to Burger King. They thankfully have a play set for the kids to run around on until our room opens up.


We did it. Mr. A and I. We never want to do it again.


Next up, interviews, food poisoning, my cockroach friend and riding the Maddahorn in Disney World (didn’t think there was a Maddahorn in Disney World?? There is!!)






    












10 comments:

  1. I heard there was an asshole here so I decided to stop by! Wow, the family trip to Disney sounds like soooo much fun (not). Well, maybe funny memories afterwards. Good luck!

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  2. That is quite a drive to Florida. I'm impressed with you and Mr. A. I hope you at least had a great time at Disney. ;)

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  3. Ahhh family road trips! Hope rest of the trip was fun and you made it home w/o having to pull another all nighter!! And btw LOVE Dunkin Donuts so now I must have them for breakfast.

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  4. Oh, you always crack me up. I can so relate to your Disney trip, though I have to rub it in a little that, living in S. Florida, we're only three hours away from Orlando, so we don't have to deal with the hotel thing every time. But my hub's family is from New York, so we've made that trip often (coming from the south). Oh, and just so you don't have to wonder, we have indeed made the dreaded stop at South of the Border. Don't quite know what we were thinking. We have the signs on "our side", too, and I guess they were just so entertaining we had to check it out. Just so you know? Don't bother. We ate there (don't recall what exactly, except it wasn't very good), then went for ice cream (which wasn't bad). Okay, I'll admit, the kids had a ball looking at themselves in the fun house-style mirrors while they ate their ice cream. We also ventured into the scary football-field-sized gift store packed with every alligator-and/or-shell "gift" you could imagine (very scary--I mean, really, who buys that stuff??!). I wanted out of there as quick as I could. I was never so glad to leave a place as that!
    Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about your trip, so I can compare notes! We got to Disney fairly often, living so close. I'm really glad to hear everything's going well with you and your family after all you went through. Makes me very happy.

    Debbie in S. Florida

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  5. Haha - first thing I thought was "There's no Matterhorn in Disney World," and then you said it---can't wait to hear all about it.

    I'm sure you & Mr. A were even more closely bonded after the experience...despite what you might've smelled like. ;)

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  6. I would have gone insane! i've not been to Disney World (Just the tiny Paris version only); but I'd do this trip if it meant I got to go there. I'm glad you all got there safe though, that's the main thing.

    ~Jess

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  7. LOL at what happened at the car wash! I'll remember this post when my family embarks on our own road trip to Disney next month. I'll have to remember to flick the back of Mr. Z's neck if he starts to fall asleep at the wheel! The Maddahorn sounds interesting. Hope Disney went well. :)

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  8. For just a second I was having a DIS flashback. I am so happy to read another one of your amazing family adventures! Can't wait to follow the rest of the story.

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  9. @Jennifer, I love that an asshole invitation brings you, you are amazing.

    @Cherie You know I have a good time in the weirdest situations, haha Spanks for dropping by.

    @Tiffany Sorry for spurring you to DD, tits so good though.

    @Aawww Debbie, now I'm going to live in your closet with my whole family. I'm so jealous. And seriously wtf is up with SOtB?

    @Oh Nicki, I love you for knowing that! We did fit right in with the sausage and bacon with the way we were smelling.

    @BPfL You know I would love to go to the Paris one. I love Disney. It's like my personal brand of mickey-eared heroine ;)

    @Rachel.... Hehe

    @Rachel Please write a report about your Disney rip! I'd love to hear it.

    @tutux2! I had to post those stories, I had such a ball writing them back in the day. ((hugs))

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