Holy Sheet

Okay. Here's the damn thing. I was making the bed this morning and found a stain. Wait, let me back the truck up. 

 I'm living in an apartment with completely rented furniture and linens. My house was destroyed in Hurricane Irene and I'm waiting for the house to be demolished and rebuilt. The red tape is hilarious, but eventually, it should be done. My stuff is scattered around Maryland in storage, being cleaned, or has been chucked.

 So my sheets are back up sheets from the rental company. I'm cleaning the good ones I brought from the house, so the back up sheets are on. So although the stuff was starchy and clean, it wasn't new. Sucks, but whatever. 

 I also am such a sucky laundress. I don't separate colors, temperatures, etc. Everything gets dumped in, with soap and washed. Screw the rest. 

 So anyway, I recently cleaned a bunch of Christmasy things that don't hold their red dye well. This is all my elaborate, overblown way of saying the stain on the sheets are not menstrually inspired.

 My woman business was burnt like Darth Vader laying by that lava river a few years ago now. I had an ablation. I'm like a grandma in my pants. Whatever. Tits not my stain. I would own it if it was, because that would make this miracle even MORE epic.

Okay, I'm sure you've heard of Toast Jesus:

Well that's Jesus with, I think, Marylin Monroe in a chip of something.

So this morning I had a shock. Making my rented sheets, laundered by an asshole (me) I spied a stain that looked very 3D-ish with eyes. Upon closer inspection, I started to laugh. It looked a hell of a lot like an Angsty Edward Cullen.

 That's right. I got a message in my bed from Edward and he's mad. I'm not sure why. 

 I immediately took to Twitter to alert my friends of my discovery. Pictures were a must.

First, the stain: 

 Then, for perspective, Angsty Edward:

And then third, to add a little showbiz:

 I'm not sure what this stain means. My day was not extra cold nor sparkly. I'm still hoping the reason the Holy Sheet Edward appeared in my bed will become apparent.



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