Disney Trip part #9

As we are seconds away from facing the parking attendant, with only $6.40 in hand, I have to summon up skills of reasoning, charm, and persuasiveness that I have gleaned from my ancestors. I hearken back to some ancient family lore to see if I'll be able to wring some inspiration from them…

~ My mother
frantically searching for her car keys, while driving down the road at 60 miles per hour. I wish I could say I have no idea how this feels. But I can’t.

That story is no help
.

~My mother
and her friend driving down the road for a shopping trip. Mom is in her brand new automatic car, after trading in a stick shift she has had for years. She spots a nice little antique store with the shop keeper outside. She and her friend decide to stop in for a look see. At 55 miles per hour mom hits the “clutch," diving the nose of the car into the ground much like a Flintstones cartoon. Her lovely friend, luckily buckled in, slaps around like a rag doll. 

Her friend stares in shock at my mother and asks breathlessly, “Did we hit a deer?” 


My mother maneuvers the car into the parking lot. The shopkeeper runs into her store as fast as she can, thinking she is going to make the sale of a lifetime after what she has witnessed. My mother and her friend are screaming laughing and can’t get out for fear of wetting their pants.

That story is no help whatsoever
.

~My mother
, in her sunglasses, driving quite a distance, through heavy traffic. When she finally gets to her destination, she flips down the mirror to check her hair. Good thing she did. She had a maxi pad stuck to the arm of her sunglasses the entire time.

I have a maxi pad, but I can’t imagine where I could stick it that would help me in my current situation
.

~My mother
, sister and I laughing hysterically at the warning tag on Mom’s new electric paint remover. The tag said “Do Not Use As a Hair Dryer." Though the product looks similar to a hair dryer, the super nova hot heating element would obviously deter anyone from using it as a hair dryer. They didn't need this silly warning. Actually, I wish they had left it off. Mom didn't see it as a warning. She saw it as a hint. Like from Heloise. 

On the fateful day in the 1989, I was sculpting my wickedly stylish “bangs-sticking-straight-up” hair. The unthinkable happened. The hair dryer broke. I'd never create “the look” With out any of my three essentials 1) hair dryer 2) hair spray 3) curling iron; I'd go to High School with the most dreaded condition a teenage girl could face. Flat Hair. Mother, faced with a hormonal teen gets to thinking. There's a picture in her head of a hair dryer, if you carefully erase the red circle with the line through it, you can save the day! While I freak out at the kitchen table, Mom goes to the garage. When she appears, I laugh at her joke. Then she plugs it in.
 

Me- “Mom?”
 

Mother- “Trust me.”
 

Me- “Mom!”

The element starts to glow. I'm transfixed by the reddish, purple pulsating of the hottest thing I've ever been this close to...


Mom
is saying -“I won’t even go close! Trust me!” 

She's blocking my way out with her glowing instrument. I see the tag that was soooo funny, now mocking me. I lock eyes with my Mom, she advances. I crawl out under the table and scurry, army style into the dining room. The cord will only go so far. I'm safe. Thank God cordless technology was not widely available yet. I would have been powerless against “the Run” 

 Now, was mom really going to dry my hair with the paint remover? Or was she trying to show me there are scarier things in life than not arriving to school with my I-just-ran-into-a-wall-at-high-speed hair style perfectly in place? I think we all know the answer to that one.

~ What can I glean from this recollection? Hmmm. I do not have a weapon. Except. The Jiggler!


The scariest weapon known to man! As we pull up to the window, I glance in. Just before I unsnap my shorts, I see the smooth face of an angelic teen boy. I can’t do it to him. He's too innocent, too young. I roll down the window, and do what my mother would do…
I give him a big smile. And I start my explanation, while Mr. A dials Mom’s cell phone, in case the attendant needs to talk to her. I know this is fruitless, she's in a car with no place to bury her phone. But it keeps him from worrying. My explanation in one giant fast talking breath goes like this…

”Hi there.. lovely evening we have I have a problem you see my mother works here and she was with us when we came in the park and she has free parking but my father who is contracting in Orlando dropped by to pick her up from us you see he has this horrible commute and I am hoping he gets his schedule adjusted to three days a week because it is really to much for him so Mom likes when she can take the commute with him and we usually have a resort pass but not this time and so now I am worried but I do have this here money it’s …. $6.40”


I hold out four wrinkled bills and a blob of change.


The attendant lifts one eyebrow. Then he laughs, refuses my money and says, “Go ahead in ma'am.” 


We thank him and take a sigh of relief. Disney Magic .

We're off to park. Our relief is short lived. Our fear of the April Crowds puffs up like welts on Mr. A’s back after a cat climbed up it.


Well I guess that statement requires some explaining.


When Mr. A and I were newlyweds, I convinced him to adopt a cat. We went to the local shelter and fell in love with a cat
. We named her King Friday. When she was adjusting to our apartment, she had trouble with the litter box. She would do her business and than step in it, with all four feet and then track it around the furniture and carpet. It was very disgusting. One night, around 3am, I stumbled out to use the bathroom. The cat and I crossed paths and I knew she had been up to no good. I screamed for Mr. A, who stumbled out in his boxers. Our apartment was very old and the walls were thin. Our bathroom shared a wall with our neighbor’s bedroom (a nice, quiet couple). So..I handed him the disgusting cat and steered the duo to the bathroom. 

Now, our water situation was insane. Starting up the bath or shower sounded like a jet taking off and the water pressure peeled the first three layers of skin off your body. My plan is to have Mr. A stand in the tub holding the cat while I close the door and prevent the cat from escaping. 

Done. 

Now, Mr. A is still mostly asleep when I turn on THE WATER. The cat’s eyes go wild. and she immediately manages to jump out of Mr. A's hands by twisting and somehow going vertical enough to flip over and land on his back where he can’t reach her. Since he’s wearing no shirt she is using his skin to firmly establish her refusal to take a bath. My poor hubby is bent over screaming in agony and beating the wall with his fist while he flails his other arm wildly trying to dislodge King Friday from his back. He can’t reach the cat and it is up to me. 

All I can think to do is bop the cat in the face. Repeatedly, like a bad soap opera. The cat has the choice of the water-filled bath, the tile wall (which it can’t climb up) or the crazy women that's repeatedly tapping her in the nose every time she moves my way. This, of course, causes the cat to dig in deeper. 

Finally, after I realize I need to stop jabbing the cat and back up, she jumps off. I still feel bad about that one. Feel bad for the cat, Mr. A and the couple next door who looked at us really funny later that morning .

Those scratches really welted up. Don’t feel bad for Mr. A, he got me back when he electrocuted me
with his ridiculous lamp he had from college.

…So we are directed to park (at the end of the row, of course) and we note the signage. Dopey…. Holy Smokes! We are parked in a dwarf. I did not even know they had dwarf parking. Is Mickey sending us a not so subliminal message by parking us in Dopey?!!! Mr. A looks at me ominously


Him- “We’ve never parked in a dwarf before.”

 

Me-  “Maybe there are a lot of spaces up front from people who have left and they’re just filling up the back rows before they re-park people closer to the front?”
 

Him- "…………….."
 

Me- “What? Is that not a possibility?”
 

Him- “It’s a good thing your pretty.”
 

Me- “Don’t get your Crocs in a twist…just relax, It’s Disney, we’ll have a good time.”
 

BC- “Will we get to ride the tram this time?”
 

Him- “Oh yeah, it’ll be a nice long ride on the tram son.”
 

BC- “Cool! that’s one of the best things at Disney”

After a nice long, crowded tram ride. We arrive at Ticket and Transportation. BC loves the monorail so we head there first.. 





 

5 comments:

  1. "frantically searching for her car keys, while driving down the road at 60 miles per hour"

    Ba ha ha! That took me a second to figure out.

    Speaking of maxi pads, my mother tells a story about how one night driving home she stuck a pad in to avoid getting Aunt Flo on the seat and then she had a car problem. When she pulled into the service station and got out of the car, the used pad fell out onto the ground. The guy looked at it then at her, and she went on explaining the car problem while ignoring the pad!

    Wow that story was much grosser than yours--sorry to subject you to that!

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  2. Poor kitty. Probably took forever to get that human skin cleaned out from her nails. LOL

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  3. Jennifer, best maxi story ever and I love your mom!

    Feather, haha I will tell the hubby you said that.

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  4. OMG! That was so hilarious. Isn't life just crazy sometimes? Your mom cracked me up. Trust me...LOL!

    Your cat story reminded me so much of when I was in college. My boyfriend and eventual hubby lived in a basement with four guys. They decided they need a dog...god knows why! They got this half beagle half terrier dog and named her Tuffy. She was an evil mistress, in a way I couldn't blame her...living with four sloppy college boys. Tuffy liked to leave fragrant deposits around the house at night...one never knew where she would leave her business. But she never failed to surprise. One night she visited one of the guys rooms...'Mike' woke up smelling her deposit got out of bed and stepped into it...then he took another step and stepped into another pile. Poor guy had to crawl to the bathroom to wash the crap off his feet. College life with animals...yeah...! LOL!

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  5. OMG MArijee, that is hilarious! Haha. Love that sotry, thanks for sharing.

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