Snapping Turtle Tries to Kill Me

Okay, funny story, I was taking my asshole dogs to the groomer ladies, who I love but they're on a farm and very colorful speakers.  So, I as I pull up to their driveway, I notice a sweet, huge turtle trying to cross the road. I almost always stop if it's safe to aid those helpless fuckers, but I parked instead of stopping in the road because I wasn't so sure about this guy.

He had a huge, long pointy tail and his head was like the knot in a tree and I had a blonde brain fart --vaguely remembering that somewhere, someone told me turtles can make you their bitch. 

But I thought, "Well, hell it's a turtle. I'll just be careful and grab him by the ass." 

But I parked and went inside first, hoping I wouldn't witness his smooshing death on the pretty busy road because of my caution. 

I pointed him out to the groomer's assistant and she said, "Oh fuck, that's a snapper. Shit girl, glad you didn't try and touch it." (Yes, that is word for word, I love these ladies!) 

And I follow her out thinking, "Overreacting much?" 


She went into the woods and got a huge stick that was as thick as my dick, if I had one.  

She looks at me and says, "Hope this is thick enough." 

She heads at the ugly turtle like he's a fistful of cobras. So I watch. She walks out into the road and starts poking him. 

"These things are vicious fuckers."

And I'm all like, "A turtle? Seriously?" 

Then EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW changed. My view of turtles would forever be altered! I was startled as it turned around, looked her dead in the eye, and tried to take a huge bite out of the stick!! 

A turtle!! So, long story longer-- I go into my van and grab a fold-able soccer chair. I won't let this lady die a horrible death in front of me without at least trying to help her. 

The assistant looks over her shoulder and says, "Now he's 'bout to RISE UP!" 

And for hairy ball's sake he DID!! That fucking thing got on its tip toes and lashed its head back and forth! 

Who KNEW? So I say, "Damn let's let it get run over!" 

Because I'm a real animal lover but this thing just went all Voldemort on our asses. 

She refused and insisted on getting it across the road. Then it starts charging US! All this time, we're in the center of the damn road, her with a stick, me with a chair and I have to poke it to defend myself as IT CLASPS ONTO MY CHAIR! 

So, I've no idea what to do I don't want to hurt it, but who knows what it can do with a weapon? It weighs as much as a bowling ball and I try and shake it off. The snapper falls down and ROLLS OVER ninja-style! A TURTLE! At this point, I'm laughing so damn hard I can't help they lady any more, and I don't think I was helping anyway.  I decide to back up, piss my pants, and watch for cars. 

The assistant is like the snapper turtle whisperer and she gets it on their neighbor's property. Then she has to warn the people in the house that the Chuck Norris of turtles is in their yard, ready to kill their asses. And that was that. My dogs got groomed, I warned my kids against the dangers of turtles and DAMN. 

Who knew?

Then I googled that shit and found two videos to show you what they can do to you! The first one is hilarious. I was not expecting to cackle at an informational video.  

Then, I found this one of a HUGE turtle eating a watermelon. and I thought of my meaty thighs and I was grateful I made it out alive.

This is also a blog hop! And also, this just in! Crushed Seraphim won favorite story of the month!!! What? I know. I ripped my shirt off, fell to my knees screaming in ecstasy! Then I realized I was in Wal-Mart and feared I would be arrested! Then I looked around and saw three other moms doing the same thing because Wal-Mart can do that to you!! Check out my sweet ass badges: 


  1. Bless your heart that was an awesome story!!! You rock.

  2. I'm an idiot! I'm so glad you liked it ;)

  3. Congrats, Debra. Loved the turtle story. Feather

  4. Congratulations on the award!!

    Do you know what is el bizzaro? I JUST saw a big pile of dead turtle on the side of the busy road by my house - I live in Illinois, I've never even seen a turtle that big before, much less dead on the side of the road, and then you come in with this story. I think we must be cosmically linked somehow.

  5. @Feather hey sweetness! Glad you liked it!

    @Nicki I knew we were connected. Mostly I feel sorry for you though (I have all that IBS).

  6. OMG that was the FUNNIEST story! You totally had me snickering. Your writing was was funnier than the first video (which was more weird than anything else) but I do appreciate you sharing both videos! And congrats on the big victory, chica.



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