First Mammogram

I did not live tweet my mammogram appointment and I feel like I missed an opportunity. So I will relive it now and pretend I'm live tweeting. Tits like reality TV. Okay, so one of the things you have to do for a mammogram is leave off the deodorant. And no lotions or anything either and I normally use this Clinical strength for female gorilla type deodorant. So I figured I need to go without for a few days To make sure it was all out of my boob's system? Of course, the day I pick for the appointment it is 140 °F And my appointment is at 1:00 in the afternoon (the hottest part of any damn day) So I'm trying to not sweat. At all. I sign in show my order and fill out the paperwork. And then I wait. And I watched as a few emergencies took my place Finally, I'm called in and I apologize. I tell her the about my gorilla pits and she guesses correctly that this is my first mammogram. I put on the gown and worry about my metal belt (I got to leave it on) Finally it's time to meet my machine. It looks fairly simple. The room had about 100 doors. It was like Hogwarts. I wish the woman had reassured me that none of them would open. Because they were very active sounding..But she asks me to unveil the right one (we'll call her droopy) and I slap it on the plate. I was expecting the boob part, what I wasn't expecting was the fact that my feet, shoulder and ass were involved. Remember those school pictures where they made you like hold your chin and cross your legs and clench your sphincter? It was like that, but booby style. When she was happy, she compressed tit. And the clear plate came down to smoosh the fun bag. Sadly, it looked quite the same as usual I'm sure some women are shocked at the pancake shape instead of the melon shaped. I was just used to tit. So I notice that there is a measuring mark in red on the smoosh plate. 

What else do I have to do but see how the girls size up. It went up to seven, and I went far beyond. But not in a luscious porno way. More in a "I nursed two biters until they were way too old" kind of like your dad's old sweatsocks way. But hooray for seven plus. 

Then it was the sideways one. Which I now know is much tougher. Because it is not just the boob. It's like your tit, your armpit, half of rib cage, all of your sins from collage and your breakfast. And that boob wrangler is going to get you the fuck in there. So we did the dance. Where she used the boob as my leash And that's when she drops the, "This time you'll feel more pressure." I've had too much shit done in hospitals to fall for that. So I was pleased that it only hurt and didn't make me want to rip my face off and throw it at her. And then we did the same thing for Sleepy (my left boob) and did two retakes. I guess I wasn't smiling. All told it was super easy and I felt amazing when I was done. 

I'd been putting it off for two years. Just being forgetful Things that helped me out which may not be true in everyone's case. I'm used to other people handling my sorry sacks (see nursing) And I'm so pale and my nipples are so worn out my tit looks more like a knee than anything else. I do wish I had done it sooner but I was lucky enough to have normal results so I have the all important baseline mammogram to help down the line in case they see anything unusual.

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