Debra Anastasia’s Fifty Shades Darker PSA Tips for Fifty Lovers.
I realized that I have unique inside knowledge that I can share with my fellow fans about the movie and how best to see the newest installment in the Fifty Shades’ world. I was able to attend the premier in LA on the 4th. (Oh my God it was amazing, and I’m up at 2:36am on a Monday morning writing this because I still can’t stop thinking about it and my adrenaline is still pumping.)(Today is the 6th by the way.)
Tips:
1. First, when ordering your tickets, it’s best to go with a group of friends. Honestly. There’s nothing like this kind of entertainment for ladies and you’ll have your emotions amplified if you do it in a gaggle. Plus, you can give each other knowing looks at certain moments. And whisper, “Oh HELL yes,” to each other. Trust me. (But if you have to go alone, do that. You just can’t miss it. Seriously.)
2. Second. When you’re ordering your tickets, go ahead and order two sets for yourself. I’d recommend the showing immediately after your first viewing. If I’d not been at the premier, I’d have stayed in my seat. But you may have to settle for the next day. For reasons. For sexual reasons. No, I’m not kidding. Sweet Jesus. Watch the first one on DVD while you wait for opening day. Do you have to? No. Should you? Yes. Program the new Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack on your phone so you’re familiar with the songs. I LOVE hearing the song I am used to in the movie and figuring out how and when it was used. That’s super true with Darker. **A reread of the book is also fun**
3. Buy a bottle of Fifty Shades wine and some new sex clothes. Hold on to them until the big day.
4. OMG the day has arrived and you can see the movie --you lucky bastard. Here’s what I want you to do. Before you leave, put on your sex clothes. Send your husband, boyfriend or lover-type person a text message that you’re doing this. Do pics if that’s your thing. Set the wine out and two glasses before you leave. Put street clothes on top of sexy clothes. Make sure EVERYTHING you use during sex has batteries and is ready to roll. You will not have time to pass go when you get home. I promise.
5. Get you and your crew to the movie theater. Take selfies. Tweet me these pictures so I can relive seeing it again for the first time. (@Debra_Anastasia) And go to the bathroom before you go into the theater.
6. Settle into a prime seat. Do not let anyone’s head block your view.
7. Watch that the movie. Watch the hell out of the movie.
8. Enjoy how audible your fellow audience member’s reactions are. There will be clapping, in tandem gasps of pleasure-- (No, I’m not kidding, it will happen as a reflex)—and fan yourself wherever you start to overheat.)
9. High five your vagina as the sex scenes roll out in front of you. Female worshiping, love infused intercourse. SO. MUCH. SEX. And this isn’t just any sex. These sex scenes will check every single box for pleasure in your female brain. Forearms. Muscles. The spreader bar. OMG --the spreader bar. Think of me when you see that scene and you’ll be like, holy shit, she was so right.
10. Get ready to laugh. There’s tons of funny in this movie. Ana is hilarious. Christian’s timing is on point. Look at your friends when you laugh. Nod because you are all having the time of your freaking life. It’s also a thriller, and there are a few screams. It’s all perfection.
11. Luxuriate in how long the movie is. Everything you want in there is in there. There is just so MUCH book depicted. The plot follows all the arcs beautifully.
12. So, I think now is the time to address the one bad thing. You may have to pee. I know. The sodas are the size of a wheel barrow. Your bladder can only hold so much. I recommend making your bladder your little bitch and staying in your seat—but I get it. If you’ve had kids, you may sneeze and change the whole experience accidentally. So, because I love you, I have picked a scene for you to go during. Mind you, when you see it for the second time, you pick your own pee scene so you can see the scene you’ll miss the first time through if your bladder is your boss. I’d **emergency only** go during the sailboat scene. When you see the sailboat, stand up and get in the aisle. Then walk backwards while listening and watching the bit of important character development. Then pull down your pants and RUN. You have like maybe 30 seconds in which you’ll miss an awesome song and beautiful scenery. But it’s really the only time to go. Go fast. RUN back to your seat. I mean, like hold your boobs kind of running.
13. Enjoy the rest of the movie. And I mean the WHOLE movie. Stay until after the credits. Do you hear me people? This is super important. You need to stay. So, so much staying. Don’t let anyone’s head be in your way then either.
14. Part ways with your friends in the parking lot. No, you can’t go out for wine. You can do that tomorrow. Text your favorite naked horizontal mambo wrestler this: BE READY. You have to drive safely, so concentrate on that. Use your blinker. Make sure that soundtrack is playing on your phone.
15. Get to your house. The door will be unlocked. I promise. Drink the wine and TAKE THE MOVIE OUT ON YOUR MAN. Remember how much sex you had reading the books? It’s going to be that level of sex. Except you’ll have an entire brain full of the romantic, sexy stills your mind’s eye took while you watched Darker.
16. Smoke a pretend cigarette when you’re finally satiated wearing your new lingerie as a necklace.
17. Get ready for the second showing of the movie. Amen. #FiftyShadesDarker #OHHELLYES
